A golf poem by Preston Lockwood

'Stableford'

Your card in the box shows not a bad score

Familiar feeling – it should have been more

When you came off the course you were flushed with success

But is it enough? That’s anyone’s guess.

“How did you do?” a hopeful enquires

“A mere 42!” he almost expires.

Optimistic he has come

Into the bar with 41

And you stand there with 42

He’ll have no more to say to you.

You stand between the swilling bores

Not daring to ask “Are there any good scores?”

“Someone has brought in a thirty-nine”

“Oh very good”, we hear you say

Exulting as you turn away.

“I heard there was a forty-eight

But y’know how they exaggerate”.

Now everyone’s in from the morning’s play

It’s back home for lunch and after that pray

That your forty-two ‘ll be the best of the day.

Liverpool and Arsenal on ITV

Jumping gee-gees on the BBC

But what’s going on at the N.G.C.

Is someone in with a forty-three?

And so at last it’s time for bed

But you cannot sleep for round your head

Goes the worst – not the best – of the morning’s play

The chips and the putts that turned away.

Twenty and the turn! Two points in the bank

Then that maddening tenth – a hideous blank.

Dawn at last – you haven’t slept

You trip on the stairs – “Oh Jesus wept!”

You shave and you scrub, then you drive to the Club

“Who won the what’s it? Any idea?”

“Dunno, young man. Would you care for a beer?”

I think it was won with a forty-two

Now come to think of it – wasn’t it you?

Your heart skips a beat. You rush to the board

Angina excitement you cannot afford.

“That’s right – I’m right – it was forty-two

So sorry, old boy, but I see it’s not you!”

“Oh would you believe it? The same score as mine

But the blighter has won

With a better back nine!”

PRESTON LOCKWOOD

(Born as Reginald Herbert Lockwood)

30 October 1912 – 24 April 1996.

Preston Lockwood was an actor, writer and lecturer who had a love-hate relationship with the game of golf. He also loved tennis and playing snooker. He shot to fame in 1994 after he had appeared as his charming old self in Channel Four’s documentary, ‘Golf at Northwood’ – a seemingly harmless television programme which gripped the nation by surprise and caused havoc at Preston’s golf club. His earlier TV appearances included Tenko, Rumbole, Miss Marple, All Creatures Great & Small, Poirot, Peter Wright in the Spycatcher Trial and Inspector Morse.

The poem ‘Stableford’ was written by Preston Lockwood in 1994 or thereabouts for Northwood Golf Club’s Centenary Handbook.